Dear Successful_Smart_Athletic,

In order to keep my points clear and concise, I will be delivering this public service announcement via bullet points.  It’s also fitting since your unaffected simplicity wouldn’t allow you to follow anything as abstract as creative writing.  Here’s to pacifying your left brained idiocy:

• I met you on POF.  Your initial message to me was longer than any other message I had received after two days of one worded “hey’s!” and I was flattered by your words regardless of your robotic delivery.
• Your initial message also had another girl’s username above mine which you tried to blame on your new tablet automatically copying and pasting it there.  All I could envision was you constructing this generic message and sending it to every girl you thought was hot, customizing it by adding in our names at the top.  I retracted this thought once we started texting but looking back, it all makes a little more sense.
• I enjoyed texting back in forth with you for a week.  Again, you’re robotic nature made me curious about how you would conduct yourself during a real conversation so we scheduled a phone call.  Scheduled. A. Phone. Call. Red flag #1.
• Upon further investigation during our scheduled phone call, I found out you were a structural engineer and a light bulb went off.  Your spectrumy tendencies all of a sudden made much more sense.  I’ll give you credit for random snippets of silliness here and there, giving me some hope for a sense of humor somewhere.
• You have the voice of a boy who recently went through puberty and hasn’t quite worked out the kinks in your developing vocal cords.  You also have a Michigan accent.  However, Rick Moranis has always done something for me in a weird way and the way you spoke took me to a young Moranis in Ghostbusters and the nerd in me was intrigued.
• We hadn’t planned on seeing each other for another week, but my plans for the weekend fell through and you asked me out.  I bought an outfit specifically for the date since you instructed me to dress semi-formally, which wouldn’t be the last time you directed my clothing choices in our short “relationship”.  But since our date was a mystery to me, I took your suggestion as a sweet gesture.
• I was oddly nervous meeting you for the first time since I had been Catfished only a few months before.  To my delight, you looked like your photos but your 5’9″ height description on POF was a bit of a stretch.  How about 5’7″ and 3/4? Thank god I hadn’t worn heels.
• I have to give you props on the first part of our date’s location, however we arrived 2 hours early for our reservation.
• After the fancier portion of our evening was over, I took you to a local spot of mine and we enjoyed a couple of beers. At 10pm and EIGHT HOURS of being around you, I didn’t hate you.  However, I didn’t expect you to invite yourself to stay over.  I felt guilty though since you lived an hour away and had been drinking so I obliged.
• This DID NOT mean that I would put out which for some reason was the impression you were under.  Your futile and emotionally unintelligent attempts to pursue me only made me want to ask you to leave.  In an effort to save your ego, I pretended to fall asleep.
• You overstayed your welcome the following morning.
• When you kiss, you make the “mwah” noise afterwards.  Really? Did I just kiss my 3 year old god son or a grown man?
• You deleted your POF account immediately after our first date.  Red Flag #2.
• You literally guilt me into a second date.  Your words: “I mean I did pick you up and drive you on our last date”. When I asked you if you were really resorting to guilt tactics and I was clearly irritated with you, you called to apologize immediately.  I then agreed to meet up with you the following day.  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
• I feel like I pursued you because you looked great on paper: you own your own home and a golden retriever, you have a great career and a master’s degree. I figured I could brush all the dry and mechanically awkward portions of our interactions under the “getting to know each other” rug and continue trying.
• Second date wasn’t terrible; aside from the fact that you invited me go rock crawling with your guy friends the next day under the stipulation that I dressed “slutty”……………………………………………………………..WAT?! I remember laughing at this only to have you seriously request: “you know, maybe some daisy dukes or something”.  Apparently, scantily clad women make guys who spend way too much money on penis compensating trucks, braver when it comes to climbing over boulders. Red flag # 1-fucking-billion and a half.
• I got more friend vibes than boyfriend vibes.  I also actually watched your facial expressions change when I stated that I could never be a stay at home mom but I attributed this expression to gas more than anything.
• We drank way too much and on the walk home, you purchased a bong from a convenience store at 11:30pm and then passed out on your couch.
• After driving home at 5am the following day, I sent you a text to bail on plans for rock climbing as I had never intended on joining you after your outfit requests. You responded with a frowney face.  From here, neither of us spoke for a couple days.  After going from multiple texts a day to nothing along with my genuine feelings of unattraction, I sent you a mild Dear John text stating that we are different people and I enjoyed our time together and you’re really nice but….. Blah blah blah.
• You immediately called me upon receiving this text.  I didn’t answer.  You left a voicemail and then a text where you said the same thing in each message and I quote: “I feel like my heart has gone in another direction, you’re just in a really *slight giggle* different PLACE in life than I am.  I really want to be your friend though……” I didn’t even finish the voicemail before deleting it as well as blocking your number.
• Now you know why this entire letter, composed of bullet points to assist your simple little mind, has been RIDDLED in disdain for who I found you to be.  I’m irritated that after giving you the benefit of the doubt, you had the audacity to try to out-win me in the break up game.

Let me clarify a few things for you:

1.) We have NEVER been in the same place in life, nor will we ever. You’re a trust fund baby whose daddy works for GM in Detroit.  You don’t know financial struggle, student debt or doing anything without the help of your parents.  I’ve worked for my home and the things in it and I’m still paying for my own education.

2.) Your last name is atrocious.  I pretend to play this pseudo-feminist who plans to keep my last name upon marriage but the truth is I want the same last name as my children someday.  However you would have been the acceptation.  Your last name is the front liner for a depressing Johnny Depp/Leo DiCaprio/Juliet Lewis movie title.

3.) The bottom line is that you weren’t good enough for me.  I would have been stupid and continued to make excuses as to why you should have stayed in my life like I’ve done with most men before you.  Additionally, you berated our short existence with rude and sexist remarks and opinions.  I should thank you but I won’t.  Instead, I’ll hope that your 33 year old ass will eventually figure out you have zero back bone and the smallest penis I’ve felt through a pair of jeans.  I hope you’ll realize that strong women who want both children and a life are no longer few and far between; we are everywhere.  And we have to cohabitate with the likes of you.

4.) I hope to help other beautiful, independent and open minded women in this generation come to the realization that for every 10 pieces of shit they date, there’s ONE good one.  These women need to be picky, they need to be smart.  They need to take their time because one little dick isn’t worth the bigger picture.

I know I sound like a woman scorned but I’m not.  I’m a woman who is so sick of men like you and finally willing to say it out loud.

Cold regards,

Me.

*POF username was not changed for this letter, however as noted above, the account was deleted after our first date.  I’m sure there is another one out there, just look for different variations of the same words since originality is out of the question for this guy.

*Image cred goes to http://www.bellenews.com and Taylor Swift who is equally as good at airing an ex’s dirty laundry as I am.